August 21, 2011 at 3:51 am (Intro)

Hey blog world.  I know that I’ve been a Debbie Downer lately, and I don’t know if I am going to cheer up any time soon.  Today was pretty cool at first.  Hubs and I got up early and went to help out at the church yard sale.  Afterwards, his parents came over to hang out.  We had a great time with them and they stayed later than we expected.  They left about 30 mins ago, and so I hopped on Facebook to check things out and one of the first things that I see is an announcement from an acquaintance of mine, announcing her pregnancy. Her due date is March 15, right when Ducky would have been due.  And that killed my day.  We lost Ducky two weeks ago, right at 10 weeks. This sucks. And I don’t feel like I can tell anybody how much it hurts.

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Oh for a deep deep sleep.

August 12, 2011 at 6:26 pm (life) (, , )

I looked in the mirror yesterday for the first time in a few
days.  I was surprised with what I saw.  Now, I know that I am tired, but
where did these dark circles come from?  The edges of my face are a little swollen from the ear infections.  I have had no appetite lately, probably because eating hurts, and I am so slow at it.
My hair was gross because I haven’t showered in a few days out of fear
of getting my ears wet which probably led to the infections in the first place.  On the plus side, the spotting from the
miscarriage seems to have stopped.

I don’t know how much more I can take.  My ears hurt a lot, I am getting headaches, and my jaw hurts.  I am waking up multiple
times a night, which means I am perpetually exhausted.  I’ve been taking vicodin every 3-4 hours, and the pain doesn’t go away, it just gets duller.  My ears are plugged, creating a vacuum noise in both ears.  One ear is a little better, but the other is getting worse.   On an average night I sleep for about 3 hours at a time, usually waking between 11 and midnight, and again between 2 and 4.  It’s been over a week
since I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep.  I don’t feel rested.  Because I’m so tired, it makes everything else feel much worse.

All of this makes me feel bad for my husband. Lately, I feel
like he has to do so much for me, and he does it all without complaining, while putting in crazy hours at work.  Monday night he helped some friends move.  Tuesday I was out with some of the women and he took care of the house.  Wednesday he needed to return a movie and surprised me with a diet Snapple.  The last several nights he has come home to find me exhausted on the couch, a heating bad over one ear.  He’s done laundry while I was napping, loaded the dishwasher while I was asleep, paid bills while I was out of it, and generally just taken good care of me.  Right now I can tell you that I am so grateful for him.

I feel like I have been dealing with the physical issues with my ears that I haven’t had a chance to deal with the emotional aspects of
last weekend.  My darling husband told me that once we get this dealt with we will go away for a weekend.  I think we both need that, more than anything.  It doesn’t have to be an expensive hotel or a fancy destination, just a night or two away from everything here.  Oh to rest and get a break!  Although, I will probably just sleep most of the weekend.

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Worst week ever

August 9, 2011 at 2:05 am (Baby Ducky, family, life) (, )

Last week was the hardest week of my life.  As you know, Wyatt and I have been super excited about becoming parents in March.  Well, on Monday, the doctor noticed some problems, and said be prepared for the worse possible scenario.    On Friday we had a check-up and were told that at our 9 ½ weeks, our little baby only measured 6 ½ weeks and there was no longer a heartbeat.  Friday evening I had a miscarriage.  To start a day pregnant and to end it not pregnant is agony.

We had the option to use a surgical procedure or pills to help my body finish the process.  Using the pills and feeling the pain as my body ended my pregnancy was the hardest thing that I have ever done.  I am blessed to have a husband who was supportive and understanding.  Our Friday  night was filled with the heartache of knowing that this little person that we had fallen in love with in such a short month would never be in our arms. We had begun to look at nursery items and seriously consider names, planning on a future with our Little One, when we were told that through no fault of our own, we wouldn’t have that time.

My husband and I have been blessed to have supportive friends and family. We got together with some of the women from our church on Saturday, and they were an absolute blessing, letting me talk about how hard Friday was.  On Sunday, our church family prayed with us
and we received hugs, love, and prayers.
I feel like we are healing, but I know it is going to be a long road
before we are there.  I read that having a miscarriage takes away the innocent excitement of pregnancy, and I can already feel that.  We have discussed when we will be able to try again, and even though we know it will be a few months before we are physically ready, I don’t know if emotionally we will be ready.  Last week,  as we prepared for the possibility of losing our baby and then dealing with the reality of it, we were comforted by the fact that God will be there with us through all that we are dealing with.  It’s truly been a time of leaning of Him and trusting that He knows what is best for us.

At one point Friday night, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, in pain despite the medicine, and hurting.  Wyatt was sitting in the hall, trying to be with me and supportive.  I remembered the hymn that comforted me when my dad has his heart attack, when work got absolutely overwhelming, and whenever life hurts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEliTT3y0to

There is just something about the lyrics that calms my heart and reminds who is truly in charge.  While we will never know why God chose for our baby to be at home with him instead of here with us, I know that we will get to see our baby someday.

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