Waiting, and wishing, and wondering

January 3, 2012 at 12:46 am (Intro) (, )

From my last two posts, I’m sure you have gathered that I’m having some issues with this whole TTC thing.  The thing is, trying to have a baby is confusing…yes it can be very fun and exciting and sexy, but it can also be hard, confusing work.  Because my husband and I use charting as a means to track my fertility, it can mean information overload.  Every month I know when I ovulated, when we ought to be trying, when we are most likely to get it right, when my period should be here, when we should test, and all of this information can get to be too much, especially if you are getting two very different answers to one relatively straight-forward question: are we pregnant yet?

This month has been especially difficult to understand.  I ovulated on day 12 of my cycle, had plenty of warning it was about to happen.  This meant that on day 24 of my cycle, I should either have a dreaded monthly visitor or a positive test.  Today is day 30 of my cycle with neither a visitor or a set of double lines.  For several days I experienced several classic pregnancy symptoms, but then they started to dwindle.  Also, while I was dealing with signs, my temperatures were nice and high, but as the symptoms decreased, my temperatures started to fall.  I’ve experienced symptoms decreasing before, when I miscarried, and I can I tell you that it was not fun remembering all of that.

Today I called my doctor’s office, hoping to arrange for a simple blood test that would tell me whether or not there was any HCG (pregnancy hormone) evident in my body…pretty basic blood work.  Before they’ll order the blood work, they want me to talk to my doctor on the phone, so at some point tomorrow I get to explain everything to him and see what he thinks.

Here’s my fear: I underwent a miscarriagein August, and I know some of the symptoms, such as dropping temps, loss of symptoms, spotting, and cramps.  It is possible to explain away most of these as pregnancy or PMS symptoms, but not the dropping temperatures.  The hormone that your body secretes when you ovulate causes your temperatures to rise and if you are pregnant, your temperatures remain higher. If they drop below your coverline, it’s a huge indicator to expect some flow soon.  If my body is showing me all of these symptoms (and it is) I might be going through a chemical pregnancy. Essentially, it would mean that I was pregnant for a few days, and then wasn’t. It is basically a miscarriage within the first 6 weeks.  If I am pregnant, I would be 4 weeks and 2 days. If I am not pregnant, my period is randomly missing and this is weird.  Eh, it’s all weird anyways.

Trying to have a baby is terribly confusing, and while this is all fabulously personal information to be posting out on the internet, I hope that it provides help or encouragement to somebody who needs it, or at least reminds others going through these crazy struggles that they are not alone.  As with many who are dealing with fertility issues of any shape or form, I do find comfort in the word’s of the Psalms “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb” Psalms 139:13 (NLT).  We have a creator who is infinitely interested in us and our struggles.  He cares for us and collects our tears.  As I sit on the floor, listening to my husband snore in the other room, feeling an odd twinge/cramp in the lower right part of my torso, I can rest in the fact that I am not alone, I have a husband who cares so very much, and a Creator who is holding us in the palm of His hand.

P.S. You do NOT want to know how much I have spent of pregnancy tests lately. Actually, my husband doesn’t want to know either!



  1. bakingabug said,

    Have you gone to the 99 cent store? A lot of women who are TTC go there and buy their tests. The are heap and still work.

    • maisymay said,

      I haven’t checked there, but have tried the dollar store. Next time I am at the 99 cent store, I’ll look into it! Thanks for the adivce.

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