Worst week ever

August 9, 2011 at 2:05 am (Baby Ducky, family, life) (, )

Last week was the hardest week of my life.  As you know, Wyatt and I have been super excited about becoming parents in March.  Well, on Monday, the doctor noticed some problems, and said be prepared for the worse possible scenario.    On Friday we had a check-up and were told that at our 9 ½ weeks, our little baby only measured 6 ½ weeks and there was no longer a heartbeat.  Friday evening I had a miscarriage.  To start a day pregnant and to end it not pregnant is agony.

We had the option to use a surgical procedure or pills to help my body finish the process.  Using the pills and feeling the pain as my body ended my pregnancy was the hardest thing that I have ever done.  I am blessed to have a husband who was supportive and understanding.  Our Friday  night was filled with the heartache of knowing that this little person that we had fallen in love with in such a short month would never be in our arms. We had begun to look at nursery items and seriously consider names, planning on a future with our Little One, when we were told that through no fault of our own, we wouldn’t have that time.

My husband and I have been blessed to have supportive friends and family. We got together with some of the women from our church on Saturday, and they were an absolute blessing, letting me talk about how hard Friday was.  On Sunday, our church family prayed with us
and we received hugs, love, and prayers.
I feel like we are healing, but I know it is going to be a long road
before we are there.  I read that having a miscarriage takes away the innocent excitement of pregnancy, and I can already feel that.  We have discussed when we will be able to try again, and even though we know it will be a few months before we are physically ready, I don’t know if emotionally we will be ready.  Last week,  as we prepared for the possibility of losing our baby and then dealing with the reality of it, we were comforted by the fact that God will be there with us through all that we are dealing with.  It’s truly been a time of leaning of Him and trusting that He knows what is best for us.

At one point Friday night, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, in pain despite the medicine, and hurting.  Wyatt was sitting in the hall, trying to be with me and supportive.  I remembered the hymn that comforted me when my dad has his heart attack, when work got absolutely overwhelming, and whenever life hurts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEliTT3y0to

There is just something about the lyrics that calms my heart and reminds who is truly in charge.  While we will never know why God chose for our baby to be at home with him instead of here with us, I know that we will get to see our baby someday.

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Life’s Update

July 26, 2011 at 12:50 am (Baby Ducky, diabetes, life) (, , , )

I got to “meet” Ducky today.  We had our first ultrasound and got to see Ducky’s heartbeat.  The ultrasound nurse said that she only saw one baby but because we were measuring early we might find another (slim chances).  As you may not know, Hubs and I are both twins so this is something we’ve discussed.  She did find a cyst on one ovary, but the dr. she consulted with didn’t seem especially concerned, so we will watch it and hope it just disappears by itself.

Ducky is measuring smaller than expected, by a week and a half.  The ultrasound can be within a week (plus or minus) so we shouldn’t be concerned (according to the tech) but we are a little because we’ve used Natural Family Planning and so we know exactly which day I got pregnant, exactly when I ovulated.  We will have another ultrasound either at 19 weeks (which seems so far away!) or possibly in between since I am considered high risk.  I really hope that it is sooner so that we can get an eye on the cyst and hopefully move our due date back to when it should be (in my humble opinion).

I am so emotional lately.  I’m tired a lot and am really frustrated by not having my blood sugar under control.  I’m either meeting with the Diabetes Specialist in person or over the phone twice a week and each visit has us upping the dosage of insulin.  This is really hard for me because I am starting to feel like this is hopeless.  I know that I am making the best food choices and being smart, but it feels like it isn’t working.  Adding the smaller baby, cyst, tiredness, frustration over not being able to eat what I want, and pregnancy emotions, it’s making me weepy and emotional.  I guess this too shall pass.

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Struggling. Already. ugh.

July 18, 2011 at 10:01 pm (Baby Ducky, diabetes)

Hey Y’all.  I have got to be honest. I am struggling right now.  I am not typing this to garner sympathy, but I want to put this out there in case anybody else has similar issues.  I am currently 6 1/2 weeks pregnant and have diabetes.  My last post dealt with some of my concerns about that, but it’s getting harder.

I went to the diabetes specialist today.  This was not our first meeting. It was my third meeting with her and we have had two phone meetings.  Let’s do the math: that’s 5 meetings in the 2 weeks that we have known that we are pregnant.  That’s a lot.  We have another meeting set up for Thursday.  This is really hard for me.  I haven’t even been to a prenatal appointment, they have all been about my diabetes and Ducky.

So what’s been the outcome of these meetings?  Well, first I got a very strict eating plan of 3 meals and 3 snacks, all at specific intervals, and the instructions to check my sugar levels 4 times a day. Then I got a prescription for a pill in the a.m. and 12u of insulin at night.  Then that was changed to two pills in the a.m. and 16u at night.  Now we are looking at 2 pills in the a.m. and a shot with 2 types of insulin in the a.m., a small shot of insulin before dinner, and 20 u of insulin at night with the possibility of a pill at night too.  Before pregnancy I was able to control diabetes with just diet and exercise.  Not anymore. I feel like I am constantly eating or waiting to eat.  On Thursday of this week I get to go to another meeting and depending on how my numbers look, we will adjust again.  And what is really interesting is that even if I do get my numbers stabilized, I will have weekly phone meetings so that we can adjust the insulins as needed.  This is really hard.  All of a sudden there is a list a mile long of things I cannot eat, and specific times for when I am allowed to eat other things.

I love Ducky already. More than anything!  But I have to say that this is really hard.  Hubs has been so supportive, encouraging me in every possible way.  I haven’t had much morning sickness (but was warned that could change in 2-3 weeks) but am tired alot.

One thing that is interesting is that I have not gained any weight yet.  Speaking with the Diabetes specialist, she said that with being more active and with my eating plan, I might not gain any weight while pregnant.  That seems so absolutely counter-intuitive, but she told me that as long as my sugar numbers are in the proper ranges, I am healthy, and baby is healthy, I really may not gain weight.  It has to do with how active I am now plus the food.  I don’t think that I would not gain weight, but it was interesting to think about.  As somebody who is overweight, I know that I need to gain less, but I didn’t realize that there was the potential to gain nothing.  Interesting.

Also, we have bought a baby blanket.  Other than the presents we bought for the grandparents, we haven’t purchased anything for Ducky.  We still don’t know if we will want to know the gender when the time comes, and even then, that time isn’t for a while.  Because we aren’t far along, we aren’t buying stuff yet, but we did get to buy a blanket and were gifted with several other lovely blankets.  Yay for little things that offer some encouragement.

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